Hmmmm.....

I've been thinking.....in fact, I still am. Ummmm.....ethical dilemma's suck! And so do legal ones....in fact...all of 'em do.
There so many thinking caps I can put on...but the blasted things give me a different result for each case. Not a very big help!
I could just say F the world and do the wrong thing or the right thing....that's cap dependant but it will be percieved as the wrong thing eventually. Remember our old friend called "retrospect"? Damn! The life of an ant seems fascinating sometimes.....in terms of simpilcity....
Hmmm....back to thinking for me....ALL BEEE BAAACK!

ever felt your heart melting??

Today, I fell in love. Love at first sight…well…make that first conversation. It was rather unbelievable…two strangers thrown together by sheer circumstance…a conversation that starts off to kill time…ultimately resulting the unthinkable…something I thought could never happen to me.

He walked into the room and sat down at one of the few vacant seats in the waiting room, which was incidentally next to mine. When he said “hey”, I thought he was talking to someone on his cell phone. But I was wrong. He was talking to me. Then, one sentence by another, our conversation started stringing along…unknowingly bonding the two of us together on an almost spiritual plane.

Then I was called for my appointment. My work being completed, I had to leave. My heart never felt so torn. It almost hurt me to have to walk away. To make it easier on myself, I went up to him and wished him luck for his work in particular and life in general.

He asked me to meet him for coffee in the evening. I was so excited I almost said yes before he completed his sentence. That’s the second time in my life I have ever said “yes” before I heard the entire question. The first time in the “personal sphere” of my life though.

We went out for coffee in the evening. I don’t think I have ever been so honest with anyone….emotionally honest…

And when the night started to settle in and it was time for me to head back home, he gave me his number. Those 10 digits…that’s what I think of them when I recollect the events of today. Those 10 digits.

As with all experiences, this beautiful, mind blowing experience was bound to end as well…better sooner than later, since hurt is directly proportional to the time people spend together.

As I walked away, I did the cruelest thing I have ever done to myself…I threw his number in the trash can. And that hurt me SO bad…it’s still hurting me…making me blue and sad and lonely.

But there was no other way. Why pursue something that has no future? Why show yourself and someone you care for false dreams of hope?

But even as I say these words….my heart has left my body and is wandering in some wilderness….looking for the person who now owns it.

P.S. I know I sound really cheesy at times…almost like a B grade erotica novel writer…who probably flunked all her classes! I know I am terrible at this…but it’s the sentiment that should count? Right? And on that last note...Concur or Die...:-)

What is life? What is happiness? What is success? Does any of this have to do with what I want? Does it have anything to do with the daily fights with storms I exchange blows with? Why do I feel that I live my life in moments as opposed to living it every day, day by day?

Sometimes, the skies seem open for a free flight…sometimes its like a cloudy day with no signs of a clear sky.

Motion…that seems endless. But there are times I feel trapped in a glass cage, sometimes I feel like I am underwater, other times I feel like I am in vacuum…or in zero gravity. Then there are times I feel like I am running…but I’m in slow motion…trying my best to run further away from what is chasing me…but it slowly catches up with me…and sinks its teeth into me. And yes, of course…there are times when I am falling…free falling…that’s the most wonderful feeling for me.

Does any of this make sense? Probably not. Is it supposed to? Probably not.

Restlessness, madness, deafening silence, non-stop noise, thoughts, feelings, emotions, activities. There is so much happening…but there is this streak of passion which makes me wanna burn in the experience of as much as I can…I have a calling in life…but I like the insanity that goes along with everything else in this world.

I know that one day I will be where I want to be. And that day, all my hard work and sacrifices will count…and make me prouder of them than I am today.

But up until that day, I have nothing to lose. And I fucking love that! Period!

Valentine’s Day!

LATE EDITION!! This is something I had penned down on Valentine’s Day but didn’t get the chance to put it up on my blog. So, here it is:

From diabetically mushy and blatantly gooey to downright religious and patronizing! Those are the key themes I am coming across today. Hunt up a Roget’s Thesaurus for synonyms of those words and words like “self help, moving on, agony aunt etc” and you’re pretty close to all Valentine’s Day related talk I heard today.

I’m not complaining…after all…it’s nearly impossible to separate an occasion from its circumstance. And expecting that is naivety or worse…stupidity!

But the reason why I mentioned what I did was because, somehow, none of it figured into my perspective or conduct today.

Cause for alarm?? Nah! I don’t think so.

Anyway, I had myself a great day today. Chocolates, candies, flowers, poems, cards, stuffed toys….yes…it was a great day! I’m usually not a sucker for any of the above but sometimes, some things are more about the aptness and pertinence to the occasion rather than personal likes/dislikes.

Talking about aptness and drifting on to in-aptness!

My professor gave me a Valentine’s Day gift as well. A front row seat at the some crappy avionics conference where I’ll be bored to death while they talk about some open source printed circuit board design automation tool.

Yadda Yadda Yadda! Anyway, coming back to the day and topic in discussion. Rather, coming to the sentiment in discussion. Emotional bonding and security feel so healthy. Knowing that you belong to someone feels so….satisfying! Knowing that there is a person out there who loves you feels so liberating. It’s all good!

My relationship with my significant other has evolved and matured over the past 10 odd months in the most amazing way. It wasn’t love for the first few months…in fact….it wasn’t love until the last few months. Somewhere in our madness, there is a very logical and rational foundation. And that realization is so liberating (that’s the second time I used that word! Damn! I need a Thesaurus as well!)

-------------ZIPPITY ZAP-------WRITER’S BLOCK--------------

this is the life!!!

I’m so tired that I couldn’t say an intelligent word even if my freakin life depended on it. But my relief and satisfaction exceeds my fatigue so I’m gonna go on…even if it means derailing from time to time and typing both a grammatically incorrect and a totally incoherent blog!

So, I’m done with the 2 lectures! It was a breeze! A cool one at that! And you know what, I could do this for life!

I hate to fib, but if I had a TA like me, I would have been one happy student! I was well prepared (hard work always pays off), crisp, smart, confident and awfully at getting the point across to the students!

I feel as though I earned a lot of respect the past 2 days. And I also feel that passion is a helluva thing! And it shows!

While I was teaching, I was so detached with what was happening in the room. There have been rare occasions like this when I have been so focused! And when I look back…it all boils down to passion!

I had anticipated that I would be a little nervous…teaching around 50 students for 2 hours (for the first time in my life) was something quite far out for me. But I rocked! I feel so satisfied that I have such a consolidated and concrete bit of experience behind me. I feel rich in a strange way!

I also feel tired…the past 2 days have taken their toll on me…this week has been all about deadlines….and that’s what next week looks like as well. But now, I feel differently about myself. I feel like I’m not a part of the crowd…I don’t feel like just another EE student. I feel that even though I don’t give myself enough credit (which I never shall…this blog is an exception coz I just think out loud anyway) for whatever work I do. I always feel (and still do) that I could do better….but having said that…the 2 lectures went off decently well….enough to build a niche of satisfaction in my mind.

And the pic with the blog…it’s a graphic representation of my mental state!!

Bottom line : As my Dad says…Nothing succeeds like success!!

gossip column!

Whoa! This week zipped a little too fast for me! I cant believe that the last time I blogged was last Saturday! Hmm….that just sank in…and its depressing in a strange way. Anyhoo, I got lotsa stuff done this week so it’s all justified. I find it quite strange though…retrospect is a weird one! Aaah…I’m in no mood to go deep today so I’ll stop that train of thought right there! But I will tattle on a couple of my friends today…I rarely gossip…but I can’t hold back today. So, bite me!

So, this friend of mine likes this guy who lives close to her apartment. She spends all day waiting for his phone call (I don’t think he has ever called her though!) and hoping to catch a glimpse of him whenever he enters/exits his place. She calls me up several times a day to talk about him….asking me what she should say/not say….asking me how to ask him out….telling me about his mannerisms…and how she thinks he is playing hard to get….about her conversations with him and everything else. I find it quite funny though…its almost like I am having a relationship with a “virtual” him.

I know that in certain cases…the establishing of a relationship requires a little nudging…but nudging and wrestling a guy to say a yes are extremely different! As life would have it, my dear friend is doing the latter…which I think is driving him away from her. I personally believe subtlety is the key….and telling a guy that you’re crashing into his apartment on Sunday to watch super-bowl (when you don’t know the F of football!) isn’t subtle!!

Sigh! People! People!! I can’t shake my head enough when I say that!

Ummm….forget Friend # 2…lemme talk about whats going on with me for a bit. An ex boyfriend is trying his best to get back into my life, a student is trying to hit on me, I am trying to hit on a student….and a professor….and a classmate!! (That’s just a small fraction of what I like to call my very own “hit list”!) But I don’t see that as infidelity for 2 reasons! I am the devil’s own…so my threshold level for wrongdoing is set quite high. Secondly, I’ll stop flirting around the day I get engaged….before that…I shall flirt with whomever I wish to flirt with! Period!

Well…I should get back to work now! Next week is mid term week and I should get something done before I start to get frustrated at myself!!

Cheers!