the way i see it...

"It’s difficult for people to get rid of junk. They get attached to things and let them define who they are. If there’s one thing I have learned in this business, it’s that you are what you can’t let go off."
--Brian Scudamore (Founder and CEO of 1-800-GOT-JUNK?).
That’s what my Starbucks paper cup read today. At first, I just smiled coz I found it to be extremely agreeable with my thought process. Then I went into a short yet deep meditation about the idea. And then I decided to hit the closest Internet access place (which turned out to be the library) and put my thoughts down about it on my dear blog.
"You are what you cannot let go of." If I were to be a very integral and moral person…it is my integrity and morality that I could not give up on. On the other hand, if I COULD easily chuck up the aforementioned salient characteristics then I would by no means be an integral or a moral person. Makes wonderful sense, doesn’t it? Nod in affirmation or be the victim of my wrath!
I feel enlightened coz now I can append another valuable statement, (hypothesis at a threshold?) to my definition of character. It is a definition I have added to as I have advanced in terms of experience in life, read books, met people, watched documentaries and biopics and had all the other kinds of interaction with “ (raw) human nature” as everyone else has. Having said that, I would like to mention that I do not like to judge people. I am no one to pass judgment on the character of others. But I do like to understand in a depth as possible as my proximity and time spent with people permits, their character and reactions. Why do people say what they say? Do they really mean what they say they do? Where does it all come from? Hardly the stuff that should interest an electrical engineer right? Perhaps it suits the interest of a psychologist or a sociology student or a social worker or maybe a counselor. But I am what I am and what interests me does. And who knows, the day I become a professor, I shall be glad that I honed this sense of mine when I did.
So anyway, I shall close this topic here for now coz I am sure that depth into the subject will be boring to someone who’s not thinking it himself/herself. Talking about judgment and professors…I think Charlotte Bronte is a little too judgmental (specially in terms of physiognomy) in her book “The Professor” (1856). Not something I was expecting but let me read and see how it goes…...
P.S. Doesn’t that coffee look mmmmmm??

a few good men?

We do not always know everything about ourselves. We think we do but that’s most definitely not the case…unless we have experienced every damn thing in the world…which is again, not possible. We can never have complete knowledge of our likes or dislikes. I can unconditionally vouch for that fact because the past two days have introduced me to things that were unknown to me up until now. I don’t know what effect it would have had on me if I had not been acquainted with these things that have now become such an integral part of my thought process, outlook and preferences.

3 things…I should say 3 people, their work and their lives have triggered me in the most amazing way! (1) Johnny Cash (2) Charles Darwin and (3) Rene Descartes.

Johnny Cash. What can I say? The man was a freaking legend…and still lives on. Walk the line, Ring of fire, Get Rhythm, Cry Cry Cry, I hung my head, Hurt and of course Folsom Prison Blues. His music is simply mind blowing! When I heard it first, I almost kicked myself for not having been interested in its genre before now. I don’t think I have ever heard such honest music. I have never, up until now, felt the pain coming through the speakers. The audio waves drown you in themselves and force you to think about the sentiment of the song. Its not something you can listen to when you’re busy/easily distracted. I mean, sure you can HEAR it but you can’t LISTEN to it. That voice, that sound, that persistent strum of the guitar and that depth make Cash’s music so darn addictive!! And since I am ALWAYS on the side of singers who write their own music…I think Johnny Cash is one of the few Gods of Music.

Charles Darwin and Rene Descartes are the men in their own different ways. I cannot say anything about their work though coz I don’t have even an iota of qualification to talk about it. To put it mildly, Darwin makes wonderful sense when he talks about the falseness of species being immutable in nature. I’m still reading the book and will definitely blog a little more about what I think about his work (THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES).

Philosophy has always interested me. Descartes, the father of modern philosophy has a LOT to offer if you believe that theory can be applied to practical situations in life in general and science in particular. I am not sure how someone can disagree with that, but a lot many times theories have been based on practical observations and not vice versa. Again, I’ll blog on this once I am done with his book “THE METHOD OF RIGHTLY CONDUCTING THE REASON, AND SEEKING TRUTH IN THE SCIENCES”.

yet another dilemma...

If you do not really care what you end up doing about something that you should/shouldn’t do…you should do whatever people who know you well think you should do. True or False?
That’s my dilemma.
There is an aspect of my life I really don’t bother about. So my indecision rather…lack of decision…caused me to go with the flow, thinking that maybe somewhere down the line I’ll feel strongly for/against it and eventually THAT realization would trigger my going through with the thing or dropping it off all together.
That didn’t happen!
I floated down the stream, never feeling the want to pull out of the mild current of the waters…and now I can sense the cascade up ahead. The current is becoming stronger…pulling me with it. But the desire to pull away still does not exist. I went through with something I didn’t care about…I still don’t care about it. But I have these moments when I feel either extremely for or extremely against it. but that’s just what they are…moments…fleeting moments….and the oscillating pro-anti stances balance each other out. In my case “pro” amounts to desperation and “anti” corresponds to freedom.
So, now that I feel the fall looming around the corner, I find this question coming up my mind….Am I prepared to go in a direction from where there is no return? Is my indecision gonna be the end of everything? It’s a very frustrating thought doing constant rounds in my head.
Is it right to live life on one’s terms to SUCH an extreme that people you care about start thinking that they and their thoughts don’t matter to you any more? Is it right to live such a life where you listen to everyone you love and respect and one day wake up to the fact that your life has just been an extension of other peoples lives? Okay, I agree…those were 2 extreme cases. But coming back to what I was saying earlier…what if you trust the judgment of your experienced well-wishers and do something you are not really capable of thinking about? As Murphy’s Laws would have it…2 possible cases exist:
(1) You don’t listen to them and then a few years down the line, you realize what a grave mistake it was to not listen to the advice of people who knew what they were talking about.
(2) You listen to them, and after a few years you realize that you did something completely different from what you wanted to do. Your life is not the life you envisioned for yourself.
You’re screwed both ways. When things go wrong, or when things could have been better…the responsibility for actions almost always comes in the same package as guilt.
In my particular case I gotta chose between selling my soul for a piece of heaven or keeping my soul and going to hell. Of course, my critics always say that I am exaggerating the case…but if I am exaggerating…why does it feel so extreme?

Spring Break. Day#1...or is it 2?

I have picked up on reading respectable stuff again. That does not necessarily mean that the fiction I was reading all these days was inferior in any way. It was not. But fiction is like entertainment…non fiction is more like science…or art for that matter.

I almost renewed my subscription with Blockbuster today. But then I thought long and hard and decided that I would put this spring break to good use. So I went off to the library instead and got back home with Charles Darwin’s “Origin of Species”. But then I went back to the video store and got a couple of flicks. Derailed, Date Movie and Walk the line.

Anyway, Charles Darwin talks a lotta sense…lemme rephrase that….Charles Darwin makes good sense to me up till the 25^th page, which is where I have gotten so far. I had to say that. I have un-addressed commitment issues. You should know me by now!

Today was a good day. I woke up with a call from my folks who yelled at me. Then I talked with my boyfriend (after 1 month…at least that’s why he says)…and he yelled at me. Then I helped some students with their preparation for the final exam…and I yelled at them. A meeting with my professor followed that … and no one yelled. That covers it all up to about 3:30 pm. Then I did the Blockbuster and Library routine I mentioned a while back and helped some other students with the preparation. Now its like 7:15 and I don’t know what to do. Lunch is for dinner so I don’t have to cook. I like the sound of that. I’ll have Teriyaki Chicken any day…ummm….almost any day. (Commitment issues at work again!)

Taking about this “commitment issue”…I did not know that I had such a grave problem. gotta do something man! Gotta do something! Soon! Yeah….anyway, I should go now…got a whole lotta nothing to do!

I should...

I should delete the last post....

hate blog!

Even though I should hope that you’re doing good… I hope you’re doing terrible! Even though you’re the most pathetically self-centered narcissistic freak I have ever met, I hope you’re happy in your own twisted, sadistic way.

Knowing you, you’ve probably drowned yourself in tons of work so that you don’t get time to think about me. And I know that it’s probably working. I wish it wasn’t so easy for you. I wish you were being tormented and tortured so bad that you had problems meeting those peepers on your stupid face that look back at you in the mirror.

I don’t know yet whether I hate you more than I detest you but what I do know is that the thought of you makes my blood boil. I am SO mad at you. I probably shouldn’t be mad at you coz hey, who are you anyway? How can I be mad at a person I don’t know? But think of it this way, I am mad at you like I get mad at people who give humanity a bad name. People like you should be packed up in a spaceship (like sardines) along with all the radioactive nuclear waste and launched at critical velocity so that you just keep orbiting the earth like a satellite. And “extra lowly” scumbags like you should not be given any extra oxygen allotment. I mean, come on, they’re better ways to use the oxygen that would be saved from a 150 or so pounds of breathing mass on Earth. Oh by the way, a technical question, you do respire right? Just thought I’d ask…coz I am not sure if you’re alive or a zombie.

You know what…you’re dead inside. You don’t have a heart. And you know what’s worse? You don’t have any sense of decency or etiquette. You’ll go down in the books of humanity as a perfect example of what people shouldn’t be and then you will be forgotten. I don’t know whether being forgotten is worse than being bitterly remembered…maybe you can lemme know. Ooh, you know what…I cant care less so you can keep that opinion to yourself. I know they don’t have room for garbage like you in heaven and you would give hell a bad name (coz you’re not evil…you’re just useless!) so I wont be surprised if you’re just gonna keep dragging your feet from one door to the next...having all of them slammed in your face!

Now that I have got some of the poison outta my system (which was set running through my veins thanks to you!) lemme make a valid point. Doesn’t the thought of calling me EVER occur to your brain cell? I know you have just one…and since it’s a GUY cell…it’s preoccupied with thoughts of getting laid and sports. But seriously, do you think one call is gonna hurt your constipated ego to a point beyond repair? 6 freakin years!! 6 bloody years. And you can’t call me once?

The fact that I wont answer your call is an entirely separate issue. But you’re a mannerless and conceited pig. Period! And oh yes, in case you’re wondering, “why cant she call me?”…the answer to that is this…"SHE started to get SO revolted to the thought of having your name on her cell phone that she deleted your number!".

I don’t take no crap from no one. And you are no one. So I wont take any crap from you. And I wont take the lack of crap from you either. What I just said wont make much sense to you…I cant say that’s your fault. You see, dogs can understand what humans want them to do…but entities like you wont ever comprehend anything.

And yes, of course, one last thing…you’re a pathetic kisser…let alone other stuff you’re short of!!

i wanna scream!!

I am so mad today. Mad in general. It’s surprising how sometimes we don’t realize what triggers us. A manifestation of pent up frustrations? Is that what it is? I don’t know…but its gotta be…coz it doesn’t seem to be anything else. Process of elimination. That’s what the damn thing is called, isn’t it? Can it be prevented? Perhaps. But that would mean that one has to have mood swings. Damn it!! Sometimes life is so damn ironic. Poetic justice my ass!! Its plain and simple irritating.

Does self psychoanalysis work? Worth a bloody shot anyway. I have an exam tomorrow…could be that. I have some unresolved issues and although they’re not sufficient enough to cause me bitterness, lemme just put em on the list for now. I’ve not been able to get in touch with a friend I really need to get in touch with. I need to prepare a little more for the final tomorrow…I feel I haven’t studied as much as I shoulda/coulda. Yeah...could be the exam thing. DAMN EVERYTHING!!

quit being a tramp!

Its strange and funny at the same time. I feel guilty for something that shouldn’t even concern me. I can justify to myself that its an uncalled for thought…but the heart is hard to reason with. And I know that its pretty darn stupid…by feeling a sense of guilt I am allowing myself to go through something I am not entitled to experience anyway.
I’m not gonna spill out the beans…but its about a guy. He and I occasionally spend some time together…but today I experienced the weirdest pang of discomfort while I talked with him. I felt like I was letting him down…being an unfaithful friend by harboring emotions towards him. He probably doesn’t…he definitely doesn’t consider me anything more than a friend…he’s married…so I cant help feeling like a bad person. Not that feeling like a bad person bothers me…it’s the thought of fooling someone I like that does.
When I thought about it….I put myself in his position. How would I like it if a friend of mine spent time with an ulterior motive of having a “friend with benefits”?
I know I am doing something wrong. Play any way you want…except with people’s feelings and trust…even if those people are your enemies. that’s the philosophy I believe in.
Moreover, I should quit being such a vagabond.

Sentimental Sunday...

Okay. So I am a little sentimental today. Hmmm? You think that’s funny? Wait till you read what I have to write. Hah! So, its been about a month since I had someone I trusted deeply just rip my heart to shreds and shatter my dreams. I can talk about it now coz I don’t feel sad and vulnerable as it did when it happened to me. Now all that is left is the comedy associated with heartbreaks. And I can laugh at it…with a slight pang in my heart…which kinda adds to the humor…or lessens the pain. Think of it how you like to! I’ll settle with the former. What happened was that yours truly asked her couldn’t-get-outta-her-system ex boyfriend if he wanted to get back together. With a start as horrendously incapable of holding any water, there was only one way to go! DOWN! But the advantage of being down in the dumps with scum and garbage is that things can only get better. Right? Wrong! Luckily for me, other aspects of my life didn’t come tumbling down all together. Rather, they came down on me at a rate at which I could keep getting them back up and be ready to out ‘em back up again when they came down next!
So anyway, what he tells me is that he needs to “think about it” and until he thought about it the “nature of the relationship we shared depended entirely on me”. What a load of bullshit! And when I expressed this very thought…some crappy allegations were thrown in.
It was good in a way…but it felt SO bad at the time. The reason why I say that it was good is coz it helped me to get over that ass so much faster. Well, he’s not really an ass…but he acted like one that day. “The nature of ….blah blah blah.” GEEZ! Gimme a freakin break! Who talks like that??
Having said that…I still remember the rainbows and butterflies. I don’t miss ‘em…but I do think of ‘em sometimes. And that’s what makes me a wee bit sentimental. And that makes me re-wonder how he could be so damn unbelievably stupid. Taking people for granted is wrong. And even if you do take people for granted…there should be a limit to that. He just went head first over, above and beyond that limit.
Oh well, I should hit the books now. Its gonna be a long week….presentations, submissions, projects and then the finals. Damn! And yeah, I shouldn’t cuss so darn much! Damnit! I mean, Oops!

i love this pic...

It’s been a while. That can mean one of two things. Either there’s not much going on in my life (which I can write about) or there is just so much keeping me busy that I don’t have the time to blog. At the risk of sucking at generating mystery while maintaining originality, I’ll leave that unclear.

Finals week is right around the corner…gotta shelve everything else and focus now. I’ve already decided on the courses I plan to take up next term so I’ve saved myself from a lot of last minute drops/registrations of courses. After 3 months of Spring term comes…..SUMMAH!! Hoo Boy! Summer is gonna be kick ass! I don’t know whether or not I shall be taking up any classes. I probably wont coz I shall end up graduating by the end of Winter anyway. If I take up classes in Summer, I wont be able to take that one course I really wanna take up in Winter. So actually, Summer is gonna be free for me. Yeah! Or maybe if I take up one course in Summer….ummm…forget it, I’ll do the math and blog about my degree plan which you can read if you’re interested. (Which would be really weird, by the way.)!

So, I’ve watched some cool movies of late. A History of Violence, The Corpse Bride, Chicken Little, The Amityville Horror, Rumor has it, In her Shoes, House of 9, The proposition, Saw 2, Pride and Prejudice…aaah….I can’t remember the others. Watching movies is fun…but reading the books is SO much better. I’ll reserve my comments for Pride and Prejudice but as an avid and devout admirer of spelendid works of literature… I would like to add that the movie sucked! God! Whatever did they do to Elizabeth Bennet’s character? Thumbs down!

Being a critic is fun…but the opinion is valid only if it is backed up with something concrete. Having read Pride and Prejudice twice, I can vouch for the fact that I do know what I am talking about.

I remember this one movie called Jane Eyre….now THAT was a brilliant adaptation of Charlotte Bronte’s book of the same name. It was just awesome…though, of course, not half as good as reading the book!

Oh man! Where did I drift off to? I started out with cheap mystery and ended up at pure literature…with something about Electrical Engineering in between. Hmmm…the human mind works in incredible ways. Lemme hold onto my horses now and not go babbling on about remotely connected topics! But I would like to mention this one dialogue from Chicken Little which had me in splits…

Let everyone hold onto their horses and let the horses hold onto their breaths!

Ciao!