and another Saturday...

Whatta week! I can barely believe that April has almost come to an end. but just my thinking of it as incredible doesn’t mean it is. I guess what we think is immaterial coz it doesn’t really do anything. Moreover, perception is relative. Probably this month felt like more than a year to a person in rehab. Oh well. Lemme just let that go. But really, I can hardly wait to get my Saturdays back! Working on Saturdays sucks!

So, next week is the mid term week. (Silence).

(Silence)

(More Silence)

(Some more silence)

Hmmm…I should hit the books. I think it’s about time. Yeah, there is a whole lotta backlog. I guess I should spend the entire Sunday getting it outta the way so I can start burning the midnight oil from Sunday night onwards. Burning the midnight oil. Hmmm…it’s been a while since I said or heard that phrase. Okay, so now I am tensed. Seriously, if I don’t have a reason to panic…I’ll make one up!

No…I can’t do this right now.

Later.

another random poem...

I'm working on something which I would like to say is my best works of art so far...and while I am drafting it, I found myself looking at some "not so bad" ideas. Not penning them down would be a tremendous waste of time, thoughts, paper and effort so I'm simply posting them on here....
I hope to be done with the final draft of what I am working on (though it does not even remotely resemble what I started out with) sometime next month....
But meanwhile, this is something else I have come up with.....
THE VEIL
She pulls that veil over her head,
Eager to drape the emotion that lies beneath,
What her damp eyes shout out, what the contours of her visage pronounce,
Ready to take her vows and accept what is to her been bequeath.

“This is not what should have been, but this is what must be now,
This is what I must adopt, for what better have I to offer anyhow?
Un-enthusiasm justifies not, not doing something one ought,
For what you stumble across just might be something you unknowingly and silently always sought.”

“Is what I have come to accept, something I subconsciously always believed in?
For my numbness voices neither resistance nor denial,
But I want not sympathy, pity or condescension,
For this is what I chose to do, without any two thoughts or apprehension.

Veil over her head, the responsibility of facing consequences of her acts on her shoulders,
She sets out to do what’s apparently right,
For unless time shows here otherwise,
The life she knows will continue to possess moments serene, fulfilling and bright.

the poet in me...SUCKS!

Paint the walls that separate our worlds so they read the invisible words of my wounded heart,
Send him those blood soaked rose petals that bandage this bleeding soul that mourns the fact that we’ll always be apart.
The cut is deep, always fresh and aching,
But it’s only fair for even though it was unplanned and un- meditated, it was my undertaking.

This love of mine knows no frontiers or distances,
It is Unrealizable but timeless and flourishes in vacuum.
With it’s indelible existence but impossible materialization,
It lives in the abyss of my soul, hushed and silenced for it is the kind of love, which has the potential of destruction.

It is hard to forget some passionate loves, to extinguish some raging fires, to erase some wonderful memories,
I see the future days filled with the madness of contemplation and meditation,
Angry, restless, frustrated, wild, insane, agitated and filled with reflection.
But its all a part of what I incur and what you give me, so I take it with open arms,
For they stir up thoughts of all that is you, with your quirks and charms.

I shall walk the line to the guillotine with a smile,
For at every step of the way and every inch of the mile,
It is you, only you, for whom I can face each and every trial.

encounters of the ugh kind...

I discriminate. That is something I learned about myself yesterday. Actually, I didn’t LEARN it as much as I became AWARE of a dormant belief in my system. It just so happened that I was subject to a trigger condition yesterday and my response to the stimulus (which was by no means premeditated) ended with my labeling myself as somewhat of a bigot.

I will maintain ambiguity on the nature of my discrimination and perhaps even deny it if accused of it. But the only reason why I wont admit it is because I understand the sensitivity of the issue and its penchant for attracting negativity from my circle of friends, co-workers and acquaintances.

Moreover, it is not something that defines who I am (it merely signifies my dislike) so it is none of anyone’s business anyway.

The degree of my revulsion took me by surprise, though. I find it strange that our sub-conscience dictates what we feel when we’re in unchartered territory. So much so that it affects our behavior towards people. I am quite good at disguising my feelings but yesterday I was so fazed out, unequipped and unprepared, that I took to escapism. Sensitive people can detect when people are avoiding them, so I really don’t know if I made a statement by my inaction.

I don’t know if this is my guilt speaking or my novice-ness. After all, the first time we do something...it almost always makes us reflect.

At the cost of being (utterly) politically incorrect, here is an innuendo (which is screaming out a little too much for comfort): Definition of a lesbian: Just another woman trying to do a man’s job!

i'm SO stressed out!

I’m having a hard time. I am frustrated with the lack of results of my efforts. It angers me to know that I am just “getting by” with my work. I am working hard, putting in huge amounts of hours and sweating it all out but the constant presence of deadlines on my head makes my work suffer. Okay, ‘suffer’ was the wrong word. It makes my work average. Which is terrible and completely unacceptable to me. And I don’t know if the retrospective amusement value of the entire episode is greater than the sheer pathetic nature of it all. And as if all the head banging wasn’t enough, I realized what makes it all worse….people! Basically, there are 3 kinds of people who make it worse for you. (1) The pretty people. They do average work but it is more than appreciated coz they are pretty AND a little brainy. And so the low expectations they set are almost always exceeded. (2) The suckers. They will do absolutely anything to please the bosses. I am surprised they can stand up straight after bending over backwards almost every time they meet a faculty member. (3) The whiz kids. What do I say now? They just make something you couldn’t figure out in 3 hours look like skating on ice! And you know, I belong to none of those categories. That gives me hard time. Now go back to sentence #1 of this blog and start reading again…

So anyway, somewhere before the last sentence and now, I went to the lab to figure out the Logic Analyzer once again. Surprise Surprise…it needed some firmware to be installed on it. so now its in working order but I still gotta get fluent with its operation before I start instructing it later this week. And my lousy spirits were just coming up to sea level when a new project was posted for this term. I hit rock bottom once again. I honestly feel that when things go wrong…everything starts to tumble. And that is SO unfair. I wanna talk to someone about everything. I wanna get it outta my system. But the one person who I can talk to is “personally unapproachable” coz we share only a working relationship. I simply don’t know how to talk to him about my problems. Moreover, I wonder about the lack of propriety of talking with him about things he is not supposed to care about. I mean, I would find it weird if he talked with me about his personal life…Damn! I don’t know!

Then there is the issue of taxes and bills and all that crap.

I wish someone would tell me to take it easy. That it all doesn’t really matter. I wouldn’t listen to them, of course, but it would be a huge relief to have someone like that. I share too many professional relationships and too few personal ones. But it is both a stimulus and a response. I don’t get time for personal equations coz I am so involved with work and study. And personal equations are VERY time consuming.

Aww hell! I’ll figure something out in time, I guess. But now I gotta go prepare for a guest lecture I am giving tomorrow.

Over and out!

attempted murder

This thing tried to kill me today! I was taking it off the breadboard and 5 of the 14 pins of this bloody IC punctured my fingernails and the skin beneath! I was literally in shock for a few minutes...screaming more at the gruesome nature of what just happened rather than in pain. *Sigh* There was a lot of blood...damn! Look at that thing with its teeth will ya?

I have stapled myself quite a few times but this was SO much worse.

Anyway, I’m so tired I can’t even type…spent 10 hours at the lab today…on a freaking Saturday…just finished with (a rather early) dinner…my first meal of the day today. Gotta go…

oh hell!

I am SO dead this term. I don’t understand why people think I am responsible and capable and able to deal with stuff. Either that or I underestimate myself. But I don’t know...I think I am confident irrespective of whether I am doing the right or wrong thing.

After attending the first lectures of each course I have taken up this term, I have come to realize that I am paving my way to lead to the ultimate mental trauma by means of assimilating too much important information. I told myself that since I didn’t have a TA assignment this term, I should be able to devote my full time and effort to these academic pursuits.

And just as I had faced this fact and started to come to terms with it, I was bombed (literally) by an email telling me that I got a TA this term around as well. And my hope was shattered by a single number. How? Here’s the dope on that. While I was still hoping for a TA (and perhaps when I realized I wont be getting it, the same unrealized hope lay dormant in some corner of my mind…kinda in the form of disappointment), I was wishing it would be the same course that I taught last term. But my good old friend who also goes by the name of “poetic justice” struck again. It was the same course all right…but the advanced level!! Holy Guacamole!! Instead of 1XYZ it was 2XYZ…where 2 makes all the difference in the world.

Being smug after having successfully completed the instruction of the former last term I remember boasting to myself…”I need a challenge. I would like nothing better than to have the next sequence of the course in the following term”. A perfect example of putting my freaking foot in my mouth. Kids…you should not be reading my blog….but if you are…here’s my advice: “Be careful what you wish for!”.

I would not give up this opportunity at any cost…but the tension is building up. The vein in my forehead is starting to throb. And oh yeah, did I mention that I am a TA for the course, the lab and the recitation?? Hell yeah! I guess the department thought…”Hey! Might as well make it a full fledged sacrifice of her GPA in the holy cause of the benefit of the undergrads!”. Damn! I am SO screwed!! Hooo Boy! I know I am over reacting….I know I should breathe…but how????

I know I will cope with stuff eventually…but as of now the right thing feels SO wrong. There is this adrenaline pumping through my veins….it makes me feel high ….but oh hell! I feel like I’m spiraling into….damn it!!!

team america

I don’t know what to write. But I wont let that stop me from writing. Heck! I wont even let the absence of writing implements prevent me from writing. For my finger is my stylus and the open sky is my endless ream of paper. Okay, I admit... that was rather cheesy!
So I watched "Team America" today. God! Those guys are insane! And I love them! I remember this one thing this guy from Southpark said one time, "Is it possible to find something SO funny that you end up losing your sense of humor?". Well, if that is possible "Team America" just might end up doing that for some people. It’s a total kick ass laugh riot!
Anyway, my lack of things to come up with forces me to sign off today with "Buck o’five" from "Team America" (which I absolutely LOVED, in case I didn’t mention it before!!!). Here it is:

What would you do
If you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom
What would you do
If asked to make the ultimate sacrifice
Would you think about all them people
Who gave up everything they had.
Would you think about all them War Vets
And would you start to feel bad
Freedom isn't free
It costs folks like you and me
And if we don't all chip in
We'll never pay that bill
Freedom isn't free
No, there's a hefty fuckin' fee.
And if you don't throw in your buck 'o five
Who will?
What would you do
If someone told you to fight for freedom.
Would you answer the call
Or run away like a little pussy
'Cause the only reason that you're here.
Is 'cause folks died for you in the past
So maybe now it's your turn
To die kicking some ass
Freedom isn't free
It costs folks like you and me
And if we don't all chip in
We'll never pay that bill
Freedom isn't free
Now there's a have to hook'in fee
And if you don't throw in your buck 'o five
Who will?
You don't throw in your buck 'o five. Who will?
Oooh buck 'o five
Freedom costs a buck 'o five

P.S. Just a thought: Is it too much to ask if I want this spring break to last forever?