oh hell!

I am SO dead this term. I don’t understand why people think I am responsible and capable and able to deal with stuff. Either that or I underestimate myself. But I don’t know...I think I am confident irrespective of whether I am doing the right or wrong thing.

After attending the first lectures of each course I have taken up this term, I have come to realize that I am paving my way to lead to the ultimate mental trauma by means of assimilating too much important information. I told myself that since I didn’t have a TA assignment this term, I should be able to devote my full time and effort to these academic pursuits.

And just as I had faced this fact and started to come to terms with it, I was bombed (literally) by an email telling me that I got a TA this term around as well. And my hope was shattered by a single number. How? Here’s the dope on that. While I was still hoping for a TA (and perhaps when I realized I wont be getting it, the same unrealized hope lay dormant in some corner of my mind…kinda in the form of disappointment), I was wishing it would be the same course that I taught last term. But my good old friend who also goes by the name of “poetic justice” struck again. It was the same course all right…but the advanced level!! Holy Guacamole!! Instead of 1XYZ it was 2XYZ…where 2 makes all the difference in the world.

Being smug after having successfully completed the instruction of the former last term I remember boasting to myself…”I need a challenge. I would like nothing better than to have the next sequence of the course in the following term”. A perfect example of putting my freaking foot in my mouth. Kids…you should not be reading my blog….but if you are…here’s my advice: “Be careful what you wish for!”.

I would not give up this opportunity at any cost…but the tension is building up. The vein in my forehead is starting to throb. And oh yeah, did I mention that I am a TA for the course, the lab and the recitation?? Hell yeah! I guess the department thought…”Hey! Might as well make it a full fledged sacrifice of her GPA in the holy cause of the benefit of the undergrads!”. Damn! I am SO screwed!! Hooo Boy! I know I am over reacting….I know I should breathe…but how????

I know I will cope with stuff eventually…but as of now the right thing feels SO wrong. There is this adrenaline pumping through my veins….it makes me feel high ….but oh hell! I feel like I’m spiraling into….damn it!!!