i'm just a junkie...

i am thoroughly depressed today! i feel as though a person living hungry and thirsty in some 4th or 5th world country in the world sees a brighter ray of hope than me. i just dont have any hope whatsoever! i feel like such a loser sometimes. an outta control, commitment phobic, escapist, lonely, depressed, hopeless, uncared for organism whose existance no one cares about.
and now that i think a little deeper....its my personal devils that bother me. i feel like a junkie...a lying and decieving body who would do anything and everything to get her fix. and once she gets her fix...she just wants to float around in the numbing mental state. when the effect subsides....she looks around for some new way to get the fix. this is EXACTLY how i feel about myself. i look for distractions in life....work, study, friends, phone calls, eating out, internet surfing, music, movies.....and when these things near their end.....i'm like the junkie....looking for a new way to get my high! pathetic! i feel pathetic! period!
there are times i just wanna say WTF and leave all this....go to some uninhabited island somewhere and live on fruit, fish and coconut. do a little farming, a little fishing....have a dog for a best friend, have a few goats, loads of books...and live a simple life. chopping wood for fire, learning how to make fire, learning how to grow different crops, learn how to cook simple stuff etc. (yeah, i would love to have a laptop, an internet connection and a cell phone.....but thats pushing it too much! i think i made a just subtle point i need to think about on a psychological level!)
BUT....BUT BUT BUT....there are even more times that i want to finish off with my education and live the life of a hard working professional. i know that i want this more than my "robinson crusoe" desire. but no matter how hard i study today....it doesnt accelerate time. no matter what i do....i will graduate when i am supposed to. i tell ya....the day i graduate and get my dream job....i'll be a reverse junkie. i'll have to look for things that keep me away from work. i can say this with conviction coz i see the way i get all obsessed when i have to work on a project. and yes, i enjoy that feeling more than anything else.i feel that the object of ones affection (which i shall talk in detail in later blogs) can either be a person, a thing, a habit or a profession....it can be anything one feels passionately about! i dont need no man in my life to make me feel complete (the fact that it DOES make me feel complete is a different story)....but i need challenges, i need work, i need stuff to do....