Tell him...

Tell him there is no point,
Tell him there is no use,
Tell him there is no love,
Tell him there is no muse.

Tell him there were no promises,
And the ones that were, were hollow,
Tell him there is no future,
Except one that’s overflowing with sorrow.

Tell him I had to pull back,
Or our lives would plateau out,
Tell him that I need to go now,
For life reckons me, without doubt.

But,

Tell him I was never unfaithful,
That my loyalties were true,
That while it lasted, I cherished him,
And from fondness to love it grew.

But my heart is a vagabond,
And my mind set on a goal,
And both need me to not be attached,
For reasons of their own.

Tell him that I am leaving,
Tell him that I have left,
Tell him to forget me,
Tell him to put it at rest.

Every rose has its thorn....

Heheheheh! I am very happy with myself today. I realized something that I should have realized a long time back. I had a “Buddha under the tree” moment today, which put so much into perspective. We mortals are forever lost…we guarantee our falling into a second abyss even before we stumble into the first one. And the pattern is repetitive. But that’s okay coz (1) that’s how we learn…life goes on. (2) Messing up while messing around kinda comes with the job and (3) all humans make mistakes…and since we’re the only ones out here…it doesn’t matter! But I shall bask in the glory of the enlightenment I have so luckily come across…and after I get tanned, and then a little sun burnt…THEN and only then shall I spit it all out here!
I shall be blogging a lot less now…till November 7th. My (one and only) brain cell is needed elsewhere for a while.
I burnt my tongue today and then grazed my palate. Ain’t I a perfect example of what sane people shouldn’t do? Or what insane people should do? Anyway, moral of the story is: don’t gulp down and then spit out piping hot coffee when sitting at a café…it just makes you look like an idiot! You just end up scalding yourself and ALMOST scalding people sitting around you! The second moral of the same story is: Don’t have a oven toasted sub if you have blistered your tongue. Compensating for the roof of your mouth by the floor of your mouth doesn’t quite work out (except in the case of ice cream…which I had for dinner! But watch out…no chocolate chips in the ice cream…I learnt that too!).
So today was a very educating day! There is just SO much knowledge out there! All you need is a little perception and the will to learn! So, get to it already!

the post has nothing to do with the title....unless youre super *whatever*....its just an amazing song by poison!

Aerosmith Gods and more...

I bought an Aerosmith CD (Gold) this morning…and I fell in love with Joe Perry all over again. Every time I hear him strum his guitar I feel like I’m gonna go into a trance. Every time I see his picture…I get butterflies in my stomach! And this has been the case for almost a decade now!! *Sigh*. I always feel like he plays for me…am sure a lot many people out there think on these lines…but I guess THAT’S Joe’s flair!

I seem to be running low on brain fluids. Perhaps I need an oil change or something? Gotta write that one down. Monday 9am: Visit Grease Monkey or Jiffy Lube. On a more serious note, I DO seem to be running low on creativity. I wonder if this has got to do anything with the mid terms being around the corner. And after tomorrow, they will take a turn and be well within sight. The 1st of every month gives me cold feet. It makes me happy that I am moving towards my goal and all but it also makes me go into ‘retrospect mode’. Retrospect mode is great as long as it doesn’t turn into nostalgia. See…I’m starting to lose track now. I mean, 1 month can’t contribute to nostalgia right? And I never really take time to think about the past anyway. So what I just said was basically nothing but pure BS. The reason why the 1st of every month gives me cold feet can be summed up in 1 word…BILLS! See, I told ya I was running low on ingenuity. Damn!
Anyway, I have been kinda pissed at Ms. Dorky Lab Partner of late, so I set her straight today. She has this practice of throwing everything on my shoulders. We couldn’t work on the project all of last week coz she said she was too busy to meet up. And now that I told her that I couldn’t meet up and work today (it’s a Sunday…I need go to the mall!) she’s telling me to talk to the hand. So I (kinda) yelled at her and told her that we should split the work and do it at our own convenience rather than both of us parking ourselves redundantly at a workstation and doing the same job. Teamwork is also about allocation and reducing the workload into half right? I mean, why on earth would 2 engineers be seated at the same workstation and work on the exact same aspects of the exact same project? Anyway, I think we’re okay and understood now. the last thing I need is a dogmatic and stuck up lab partner!
Lets see…what else…yeah…originality…gotta get me some…maybe they sell it over at the mall.
And oh yes, how could I forget this…when moron asked me what I was gonna dress up as at this Halloween…I said…”I’m gonna be the dead coming back to life”. Hehehehe! So, now I’ll have a good reason for why I showed up at the second party and not the first…or at least a funny reason!!
Cheers to Joe! The bitter-free spirited-genius loves you!

This is a picture of the city I live in…and the weather conditions are EXACTLY like this at the moment.

Wow! I just had the best night’s sleep ever. No tossing and turning, no waking up at the crack of dawn, no phone calls or alarms, no dreams…oh wait…there was a dream…Donald Trump wanted to adopt me. Adoption Vs. Marriage kinda bothered me coz I see myself more as a woman rather than a girl…but what the heck! It was just a dream. I woke up refreshed as opposed to tired/wanting to sleep more! I was outta coffee so got my morning fix of caffeine straight outta a Red Bull can. That means I gotta go grocery shopping. Maybe I can procrastinate…or maybe I can convince someone to get me some stuff while there at the supermarket. Although its a little after noon, I am excited about the entire day ahead of me. And tonight is pizza night as well…pizza and movie night! Hmmmm…I’m hungry…I should get dressed and get myself something to eat. It’s a cold and rainy day today…but I love such days anyway! Hmmm…maybe I’ll have a cinnamon roll and a caramel apple cider. Man! I love cold days…they can make you take pleasure in stuff that a warm and sunny day can’t make you take delight in! I love the slick roads with the taillights of vehicles being reflected by them, the sound of the windshield wipers, the way I look forward to having hot chocolate in the evening, the way the way I clean my shoes over a foot mat, the smell of wet earth, the way something like a bite of a chocolate bar warms me up, the way marshmallows and smores taste, the way that no matter how tired you are…warmth can always make you feel invigorated! I LOVE COLD, RAINY DAYS!!!...Ummm....that statement sounds a whole lot better when I add the explanation though.....

TGIF!

I don’t like surprises for the simple reason that their effect on me is more like that of a shock! But today I was pleasantly surprised when we didn’t end up having the guest lecture we were supposed to have. I had worked hard the entire day and ordered myself that I wouldn’t study for even a second (the fact that we cannot study for a second is another issue!) after I got home after my class. I mean, come on, TGIF remember? So now I am home, relaxed, free…kinda satisfied that I studied enough to get me through the day! But now that I am home, relaxed, free…I find myself staring at my homework assignment from the corner of my eye. Wouldn’t it be nice if I get it over and done with (or at least get started with it) today so that I have more time to be home, relax and be free over the weekend? The magnetism is hard to prevail over. Stealing glances at the fat book is just gonna make me edgy and gimme a nervous twitch! We all know how this is gonna end so just lemme close this topic!
A very strange thing happened to me while I was getting my evening shot of java today. This couple (an American guy and an Asian girl) kept stealing looks at me when I was waiting for my order at Starbucks. I knew I wasn’t dressed funny, no undergarments were peeking outta my clothes, there was nothing stuck in my teeth, my hair were in place…I was quite interested to know just what they were finding worth a stare. I know they weren’t ogling…that’s for sure! Anyhoo…
I read THE most hilarious comments scratched into the library desk I was studying at today. I wanted to write them all down (I see art in everything!) but I don’t know why I didn’t. There was one which went “I love studying…it makes me horny!”. And then there was “good teachers are the ones who turn students into zombies!”…this particular one followed a few lines of Pink Floyd’s “Brick in the Wall.” Very interesting. So I have decided to sit down at a new desk everyday and see what else people have to say! I find it very refreshing!
And I’ll mention one last thing before I end this post. It’s interesting to see how certain events make you bond with people (although momentarily). There was this noisy guy who came and sat at a desk opposite to me today. He was coughing, eating noisily, turning pages like they were made of indestructible material, slurping on his drink and basically doing anything and everything that one is not supposed to do in a library. And every time he would do something audibly…this other guy sitting opposite to me and I would make eye contact and smile at the jerk’s stupidity! And when the jerk left…this guy and I started to laugh and thank our stars that he left when he did. I just found this very heartwarming!
Okay, that’s all folks!

doing and being...

Okay, today I am a misanthrope. But my rage is directed towards society and not human kind. I don’t know if there’s a different term I should be using…my knowledge of psychology/sociology/whatever-ology is restricted. There is a behavior code that is expected and accepted by the society. And that is fine. I am totally convinced with the fact that there should be a defined convention of conduct that steers each equation. But, then there are things, which the society expects you to BE. That annoys me. ‘Doing’ and ‘Being’ are poles apart. And what makes it even worse is people who belong to this sect of patronizing nincompoops! My personal way of dealing with these people is scandalizing them by showing my defiance. But then I am almost always misunderstood as a rebel. I am not a rebel. In fact, I am a very contained person…concerned only with what I am doing (keeping in mind that no one around me is inconvenienced!). There’s a word for it in the “Negative Thesaurus”... which is something a lot of people I know seem to have…I believe its listed with selfish, self centered, egocentric, egoistic, egoistical, egomaniacal, egotistic, egotistical, greedy, hog, mean, mercenary, miserly, narcissistic, narrow, narrow-minded, parsimonious, prejudiced, self-centered, self-indulgent, self-interested, self-seeking, stingy, ungenerous. Whew! I hate to bust a bubble here…but I am neither of those. Why? For the simple reason that I don’t have an evil streak in me. I’m more of the “live and let live” kinds. I cant be someone I am not just coz it makes the people around me happy. No. That’s not happenin! Yes, there ARE times when I try to convince people and try to show them a different angle to something…but I never sulk just coz they don’t see my point. I never have a problem when people disagree with me. In fact, it’s quite the contrary…I welcome discussions. And people? Well, they just wanna walk away saying “I don’t wanna argue!”. BITE ME! Okay, so that was the general overview. Now for what happened today…I happened to discuss my relationship issues with a friend today and apparently she was under the false impression that she was Aphrodite (the Greek goddess of love). And when she started her sermon…all I wanted was for myself to go back in time and NEVER ask her something that even remotely resembled this topic. According to her, I ought to modify my behavior and put on an act (if you will) in order to push all the right buttons! And this is just ONE situation! I’ve been here countless times, each time for a different reason. Why are people so condescending? Can’t they give advice like NORMAL people? Why must they rub it in and give suggestions as though they are shrinks? And if this IS normal…I should perhaps actually go to a shrink…coz that way…at least I’ll EXPECT what’s coming! There you go, that was the vicious cycle of the day!

Just another day…

It’s a beautiful night today! Chilly, breezy, well lit, silent…I was just SO much at peace with myself walking back home today. The moon never looked so beautiful…except perhaps in Bruce Almighty…but what I saw today wasn’t graphically morphed! Nature has its way of showing us who has the upper hand. And its techniques range from provoking feelings of fear (read hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes) to feelings of love (read Autumn, hills, valleys).
ANYWAY…coming back to ME!
I just read this off a flyer I found tacked to a restaurant window…”Food is an important part of a balanced diet – Fran Lebowitz.” Ummm…okay…is Ms. Fran sure? I mean, food and balanced diet are as different as chalk and cheese aren’t they? If she is sure, then I am immensely grateful that she has showed me light and contributed to my knowledge database an equivalent to what my entire education has contributed up till now. (Whew! Long sentence…almost lost my chain of thought there!)
Okay….but then does that make it fair to say that you can look good in an outfit only if you can fit into it? It reminds me of something someone famous (quite ironical that I don’t remember who!!) said, “If you die, you have lost a very important part of your life!”. Ummm…I dislike redundancy! Period! Putting sarcasm aside (incase you hadn’t noticed!), in present day civilization, food is far from healthy! And I don’t need any proof to support this theory coz it’s a hard fact! So maybe Ms. Fran was blessed with supernatural foresight…like Nostradamus perhaps…didn’t he hear voices from Limbo? Talking about Nostradamus now…When I was a cute little kid, my parents overestimated my intelligence and allowed me to watch “The man who saw tomorrow”. Lemme just say that I was scarred for the following few years! If I can give any advice to the parents who are out there (and who are gullible enough to listen to the ramblings of a bitter genius who has plans of world domination!) then this is it…Don’t let your 7 year old kid watch such stimulating and aggressive movies. Having said that, if I could go back in time and NOT watch that movie…I would go back in time and watch that movie…and pay a little more attention! Not that I believe any of that crap…but I love outrageous stuff! And yeah, if I could go back in time…I’ll obviously utilize that opportunity to the fullest and perhaps kick some more ass…and play professional basketball!!So, Halloween is right around the corner…am kinda excited but I don’t wanna go to this one party Mr. Moron is throwing. Instead I wanna crash at Mr. Hottie’s party.But I know that moron will come to hottie’s party after his comes to an end coz moron and hottie are good friends. Sticky situation! Maybe I can kidnap moron...drug him...and leave him in the gay district! OMG!!! That was SO mean!! Appalling!! I am disgusted that such a petty thought even came to my mind!!! Well, now that I mentioned it....why not....

java makes the world go round...

Another day dusks away and a new day dawns. I tried sleeping early tonight but I’d much rather do something constructive as opposed to lying awake in bed. That’s something I simply hate doing! So, today was another hectic albeit monotonous day...woke up at around 9am, bumped into and chatted with an old friend (and undergrad love interest) on messenger, completed my homework, took a shower, got some coffee, studied at the library, attended a class, realized I was hungry and had a sandwich, studied some more at the library, got some more coffee, attended a second class, talked to dorky lab partner about upcoming deadline, cooked dinner, ate dinner, worked on a crossword, watched half a movie, decided to turn in early and hit the sack, got up in sheer frustration, blogged...let’s see what I do next. I have a hypothesis: the more caffeine I pump myself up with, the faster my day seems to pass...and of course…the inevitable corollary: The amount of caffeine intake is directly proportional to productivity. I don’t have anything specific to blog about today... which kinda feels strange. Oh yes, I bought a CD of the Cranberries today. If I ever was in a conversation with a goddess…I know she would sound like Dolores O'Riordan. Dolores can make harsh words sound like a prayer or something! She rules! And I don’t think I can ever get enough of their music…Zombie, Salvation, Just my Imagination, Linger…I can hear them a million times and then some more. Sure, I’ve heard better and equally good music…but my music inventory is incomplete without the Cranberries.
And yes, I also downloaded this fun desktop enhancement that makes my laptop applications look and act like iMac applications. Pretty nifty! I always used to get a little disoriented when I used my notebook after I got back from using the Mac at the library. So now I have a notebook that decently integrates the Mac, XP and Unix. Is that cool or what?

impending heartbreak?

My almost 6-month old (relatively new) relationship is on the rocks. I can see it crumbling. It’s just an “Any day now…” kinda thing. And all I can do is sit around and wait to see what happens. I don’t have anyone to blame for it…not even circumstances. I don’t have anything to say. It all started about a fortnight back. That’s when we last talked. I haven’t mentioned this to anyone coz I didn’t wanna sound pessimistic. In fact, I didn’t think about it much at the time either. Since the past 15 days or so JT and I have been unavailable to each other. I can’t take his calls when he calls and vice versa. All we’re doing is exchanging voice mails. The signs showed themselves much before that. We used to talk for 2-3 hours everyday before school started…then it became 2-3 hours a week…and now its…nothing. In fact, now its worse than nothing…for 2 days we haven’t even called or left messages.
I could probably sit him down and talk it over. After all, good communication is the foundation of every relationship, right? Wrong! I know that its just gonna be a whole lotta mud slinging….it will probably make things worse! (“Yes, but I returned your that time remember? And when you called that time you didn’t leave a voice message. And what about the time you didn’t take the flower delivery coz you were not home. And what about the time you said you would call but you didn’t? Don’t you know my cell phone loses signals when I am in the Lab and that I turn it off when I’m in the library…that’s why I cant take your calls! It’s you who doesn’t have the time you take my calls and now YOU’RE telling me its MY fault?”). And those statements will repeat themselves both from my side and his. But there are 2 more reasons why I am not in the mood to talk about all this. (1) I don’t want to make a promise (to talk often) coz I know I can’t do it. And neither can he. We’re both students, it’s a long distance relationship (West Coast Vs. East Coast), there’s a 3 hour time difference, we’re both immensely into our work and studies. We can’t meet often…so I am starting to have doubts about this working out! Coz if and when we get married…its gonna happen after an year…how long can this go on? More importantly, how long can we put up with this? And Reason (2) is…Things haven’t been so smooth of late. There’s been an undertone of stress in our relationship. That’s primarily coz of the unwanted interest of his sister and his parents. I can’t deal with that very well. They want to talk to me every second day…saying the same things over and over again.
Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am the bad person…but I DO know what I can/cant handle. I DO know when things are working out and when they are not. And I DO know that my time and effort accounts for only 50%!
I don’t want things to fall out…but I don’t know what to do. Like I said, all I can really do is wait and watch. A relationship that isn’t going anywhere won’t end up anywhere.
I’m blue…I think I need to think about this…maybe rethink it as well.

i'm pissed!!

Okay, today…right now I am pissed! And I’m gonna make this blog the object of all my wrath! I don’t care who is in the line of fire…I’m simply fuming! AAARGH!!WTF is it with these stupid search engines? Why are they so keen on barfing out porn on everyone?? And if its not porn its some stupid and irrelevant moronic information they spit right out! Safe Search isn’t wise enough to filter our crap either!! And ads make me sick! If I wanted a free laptop or discount airfares....I'll ask! So, zip your gob and lemme do what I wanna! To hell with all this Internet Technology related garbage...to hell with better filters!! I could kill someone right now! In the midst of important research and I'm bombarded with a zillion thoroughly useless web pages! Pop up blockers are as effective as a poked condom!! And spyware and all that bullshit sucks as well! For anyone who thinks I'M the one messing up....listen up buddy...2 points....(1) Shut Up! and (2) I know how to search! Damn! I don't wanna cuss....coz I have a reputation to uphold....but THIS SUCKS!!!! The irony of it all is that one can't live without internet searches......
Although "free information" and "paid advertisements" are on opposite ends of the spectrum....they're BUGGING!! And everything else in between is even more bugging! These moronic, dumbasses with cardboard brains are no good! I would pay a fair price for information without bullshit...and i DO...without any repentance! Value for money....thats the bottom line! DAMN!

umm....

there are times i hate wise guys....they seem to think that they know pretty much everything. but then there are times i like being with them ...coz things are so much clearer and directional when theyre around. i mean, who doesnt like good company? anyhoo, today belongs to the first category. i have willingly taken some time off from the "think tank" to distract and amuse myself with something more normal. the reason?? well...i'm kinda upset. in fact i am so "kinda upset" (to those who dont know....thats denial shining through the oxymornonish phrase!) that i wanna do something to cheer myself up! (and thats REALLY sad coz when a person is sad and doesnt realize it...he/she generally throws oneself into work or something like that!) So, i WONT study today. i mean, i wanna...coz i think its the perfect way to lose yourself for 3 hours straight....but i wont. coz i can always do that right?? i'll just watch a couple of movies, order pizza, go through some rough science and other stuff like that! i see i am not making much sense here. anyway, i saw this picture....its titled "sad man"....dontcha just love it??? the guy who made this must have had a helluva score identifying ink blotches at the shirnks place! i found it tacky at first...but then i noticed the subtleness and was drawn towards it. what i like is that it conveys a basic idea....in a very raw fasion. and i kinda looked at it in 2 ways....(1) a person walking with his back towards the sun (away from the sun) and (2) a person crying....hey....it kinda seems like scream is crying....doesnt it?
anyway, i am still switching between making fun of this picture and appreciating it......

anti bible study group!

At the macroscopic level, everything is looped. Everything starts and ends in a circle…we just gotta have a keen vision to see where the start and end points are. And retrospect is perhaps the most important tool that helps us identify these features. How else would we be able to put that feedback loop into our logic and check it for its match with other situations? What else would give us that feeling of Déjà vu (Cognitive psychology often gives crummy explanations!)? Why am I inundating this blog posting with jargon? Well, it’s just the way I talk now. It seems to annoy for most people (read brainless morons!)…but it keeps me on the same page with the people I work/study with…so its convenient. Bite me!
I was talking about retrospect and everything coming to a full circle. Well, as I was walking home from the library today this girl stopped me and asked me if I was a Christian. She was Asian…so it’s understandable that I heard her say, “Are you Trisha??”. Following the first few seconds of miscommunication was a brain hogging session for close to an hour about her Bible Study Group and a zillion and one reasons why I should join it. I was done studying and had zilch to do, so I gave her some time to talk me into it. Is it just me…or do all Bible Study girls seem gay? Or maybe MY definition of love is just a different from the one they teach in the Bible. But seriously…if she says she met someone (a girl!) who rekindled her faith in love…what the bloody hell am I supposed to understand?? That her Bible Study boss type thingie babe convinced her that true love is the one we feel vis-à-vis God? And that THAT’S the love that was rekindled?? I don’t think so! And I have no intention of altering my thinking either….coz if I do, the next thing I know will be that I end up being at a gay party coz some girl said that she and her girlfriends were getting together for a sleepover…and I end up showing up in my jammies with a pillow tucked under my arm…asking…”where do I crash??”. Nope! Not happenin! The reason why I talked about retrospect is coz this is the 2nd time such a thing has happened to me. And that had a gay undertone to it as well. And why should I change my religion anyway? This is something I’d like to blog about soon! Maybe the next time...I'll tell em i'm into everything anti christ!

Today...

Alone at times but never lonely,
This is the tomorrow I talked about yesterday,

A manifestation of my experiences and feelings,
Misunderstood but never in contradiction,
For its been nurtured on nothing but the past,
Its unpredictability paradoxes its unquestionable purity and proportionality to the history,
Always bringing it so close, yet so far.

This is the tomorrow I talked about yesterday,
Sometimes flawed yet sometime so perfect,
Sometimes mysterious, yet sometime so simplified,
Sometimes sunny, yet sometime so cloudy.

But always so keen on giving me lessons of life.
Teaching me by my own example…

By: Bitter Genius.
10/23/05

huh?

i cant believe that its been 3 days since i blogged. and what i cant believe about that is that i didnt realize that it had been 3 days! honestly speaking....when i look back at the past week (specially wednesday night onwards)....all i see is a void of time. i dont know what to make of it. take this morning for example...i went to the lab at around 1030, worked there till around 3, got home, cooked lunch, ate lunch, went to the library to study, studied there till about 630, got myself a pumpkin spice latte, got home, cooked dinner, ate dinner, slept for 3 hours, and here i am...taking a break from my studies and blogging. what strikes me the most is that although i have no recollection of being aware of the fact of walking to the library or studying there....i DO remember what i studied and the concepts i understood. the same thing goes for everything else that happened today....i have a faint recollection of meeting people and having coffee etc....but its a very latent thought. i feel like a zombie! the AWARENESS seems to be missing. what does this mean? is it bad? i mean, of course its bad.....but....if it means that i can be more focussed about my career....i'm fine with it. nevertheless, because its important for me to understand my thoughts and actions...it is important for me to figure this out. another example coz its at hand....i just had a bag of chips without realizing it!
but this is not the normal me. i am basically a VERY aware person....aware of my surroundings, my thoughts, my feelings, my reasons for doing stuff.....everything. so much so....i also like to know why people do stuff! (which kinda freaks them out sometimes....like the time i stared at this guy while asking him why he likes chopped fruit peices better than whole ones! but i really wanted to know....i like to know what people think and why they do stuff. i respect people who know what they are doing and the reasons why they are doing it!)
anyway, seems like i have written an entire blog entry sub consciously.....maybe when i wake up and read this tomorrow morning i'll realize something. my explanation for whats happening is 1 word....PREOCCUPATION! yeah, there is a whole lotta stuff doing rounds in my head. but that doesnt justify this...no matter how convincing it might sound. so, what i have decided is that i am gonna start my day with a really really really stiff cup of coffee tomorrow....lets see how it goes!
Peace!
Da Bitter Genius.

live free or die UNIX!

I have been trying my hand at Unix for quite a while now but things didn’t get serious till today. And its now that I have realized that I love the damn thing almost as much as I hated it a while back (read yesterday!). Love at first sight…that’s what you kids call it these days right? LOL! I admit.... it’s not fancy but it redefines utility in a whole new way! Now I can see why the world is divided into 2 basic classes of people. Of course…there are always those creeps who think a whole lot only to stick with the “Cant Say!” or “It Depends!” option. I should know…I swing between being one of them and being a person with a firm opinion every now and then as well.Anyway, I was so impressed with what all I can do with Unix that I just knocked myself out logging on to various remote servers using SSH. Although I could just log onto my web mail account and check my mail…I remotely logged onto the University Information System and used Unix commands to check it instead. I forwarded, deleted, replied and did all that stuff REMOTELY! Hah! If try to put your imagination at work you will probably see my rubbing my hands together as though I have stumbled on the next big idea of world domination! And why not! It could be possible. I say this coz I am presently using a shell…so I obviously haven’t even come close to harnessing the true potential of this demon! In fact I was so impressed with this baby that i looked into a little bit of history its history! It sure has come a long way since the 1960’s. And that’s another reason why I like it…I love retro! I live retro! Gimme the 60’s and the 70’s and Woodstock any day…and I wont every come back! Not even into the arms of the one I love! Screw Love…Free Spirit RULES!!!

Horchata???

Today…today I had something that’s most definitely the ickiest drink I have ever had! Its something called Horchata…a Mexican drink…but I honestly wanted to barf when I had it. Almonds, rice, cinnamon, sugar and lime concocted together don’t make sense to me…But I’m glad I tried it anyway. I kinda feel enlightened when I realize that there is one more thing that I should steer clear from!
Anyway, today (Yesterday?) was not a bad day. I woke up refreshed, had my morning fix of caffeine, ran antivirus and spyware on my laptop, took out the trash, ate lunch, paid my bills, studied, attended a study group for my project (which was REALLY interesting and constructive!), made pending phone calls, worked on a crossword, went out for coffee, studied a some more, finished off homework, went for a short walk, ordered pizza, studied a little more, relaxed, had some pizza and those yummy cinnamon sticks and listened to Aerosmith! And here I am…at the end (beginning?) of another day! I’m wavering over the decision to sleep or get some more work done. I guess I’ll just leave that decision on ice for now.
Tomorrow will be quite another story though. I have classes and some uselessly important stuff to do. Moreover, I think will have to go to bed early coz Miss Dorky Lab Partner wants to get some serious work done this time. She wants me to come to the lab at sharp 9am on Friday. I wonder what triggered off this dedication and seriousness in her. Well, lets see how long she can keep it up. But all said and done…she’s a funny character. She asks too many personal questions and keeps up this façade of being super intelligent. But hey…if it works for her…I’m not complaining. But yes, the first few times…her “Why’s, How’s, Where’s, With whom’s” etc. caught me off guard and speechless. The good thing about her is that she’s always hungry…so I almost always get to have some nice home cooked food when I am with her. Talking about cooking….I discussed my “salt issues” with a male friend today…BIG MISTAKE! His answer?? 2 teaspoons of salt!!! I remembered all the cuss words in the world when heard him say that. Either 2 teaspoons of salt will make me look emaciated due to dehydration…OR it will make me look all bloated up coz of water retention!!! And I am in no mood to play guinea pig!
Thanks but no thanks!

Add salt to taste!

Salt. Add salt to taste!
This is where my vision of the universe is dwarfed by inexperience!
I know I am no gourmet chef…but if I cook, I ought to know how much salt is supposed to go into the stuff I am cooking. But I don’t! And I end up making nasty food! Imagine the worst food…the kind you that not only makes you leave it on the plate but also makes you leave the restaurant as well. And then imagine that with too much or too little salt. Yes, I can always use a salt shaker…that’s what its for innit? But tell me…how do you feel if you dressed up real sharp only to look at lousy bamboozle staring back at you from the mirror? Sure…you can always change…that’s what other clothes are for innit?
And then there is the problem of too much salt. Here’s how the problem generally goes…you get all excited that you’re gonna cook something special and go on and do the most loathsome activity (read grocery shopping!) ever. You buy each and every ingredient given on the recipe…hoping that your taste buds will make it all worthwhile. You follow the recipe step by step till you hit an obstacle…”Add salt to taste”. Bam! I’m hit and sunk! Then I either end up coping up with the recipe with a heavy heart or going for the take out option. Adding less salt in while cooking doesn’t really agree with me. If I take that first bite and grimace…it ruins my appetite. And all these different foods seem to have some darn “salt absorbency” coefficients or something so there is no sacred ratio!
Having said all this…if there were a spectrum that extended from no salt, to optimum salt and to the Dead Sea…I would say that I am coming in from the right…progressing slowly towards the optimum salt point. Which is good news! Okay, now that my lunch and my badgering is all done… I gotta go pay some bills…

i love tater tots!!

I love tater tots! And I reckon Napoleon Dynamite has something to do with it. The movie had me in splits the first time I watched it and when a ND DVD was wrongly delivered to me today…I couldn’t help borrowing it after returning it to the intended recipient! What???? Seriously, this flick is “sweet”! And if you don’t like it then all I really wanna say to you is that “Gosh! You’re such a freakin idiot!”
Anyway, today is one of those days when I wanna do something extreme. I need a kick…a high! The past 2-3 days have been rather monotonous…constructive…but monotonous nevertheless! I’ve been downing about 2 liters of cola on a daily basis…hey…I need caffeine when I study k? And if you don’t like that idea…SUE me! (Don’t mess with me…I told ya I was in a mood to do something extreme today…I don’t want it to be something as extreme as to be cold, gruesome, bloody, gory homicide!)
Anyway, I did a good deed today (I should write that down in my little girl guide book!). I appreciated someone. But it wasn’t flattery. It was as genuine as appreciation (in terms of awe!) gets. And I call it a good deed coz I am 100% sure of the fact that this person walked away feeling good. I don’t know if that’s a good deed registered with the Bible or something…but hey…you gotta cut me slack. I don’t believe in God anyway. But I do capitalize the “G” of “God” coz I have immense respect for Grammar. Yeah, Kelsey too!
So, talking more about this person…well…lemme see how I can put this…she has a beautiful heart. I have never met someone like her…and if I continue to live a normal life then I KNOW I wont bump into someone like her ever again. She is one of those evangelist type of people…but I am amazed to see how happy and satisfied she is with her life. And quite surprisingly…which is the reason why I like her…she’s not the zombie type of evangelist! Quite commendable innit? All said and done…she’s a good friend.
Today I told my ex roomie that I was getting engaged…she almost fainted and I had to lug her back almost 4 blocks from Safeway...with her damn groceries! Moral of the story…break news to people when there is some sort of seating available.
That’s it for now….lemme go do something wild…maybe I’ll have a calorie fest! You callin ME a loser?? Huh? “Gosh! Leave me alone!!!”
And yeah…I KNOW that...wanna, lemme, innit, gotta, callin etc. are NOT grammatically correct…I just do that so that dorks like you feel a fake sense of affinity to my blog! HAH!!

Meet Virginia-Train.

Meet Virginia
She doesn't own a dress, her hair is always a mess,
If you catch her stealin, she won't confess,
She's beautiful,
She never compromises, loves babies and surprises,
Wears hi-heels when she exercises,
Ain't that beautiful?
Meet Virginia
Well she wants to be the Queen,
Then she thinks about her scene,
Pulls her hair back as she screams,
I don't really wanna be the queen,
Her daddy wrestles alligators, Mama works on carburetors,
Her brother is a fine mediator for the President,
Well here she is again on the phone,
Just like me hates to be alone,
We just like to sit at home, and rip on the President,
Meet Virginia
Well she wants to live her life,
Then she thinks about her life,
Pulls her hair back as she screams,
I don't really wanna live this life,
She only drinks coffee at Midnight, when the moment is not right,
her timing is quite-unusual,
you see her confidence is tragic,
but her intuition magic,
and the shape of her body - unusual,
Meet Virginia -I can't wait to Meet Virginia -Yea

i'm just a junkie...

i am thoroughly depressed today! i feel as though a person living hungry and thirsty in some 4th or 5th world country in the world sees a brighter ray of hope than me. i just dont have any hope whatsoever! i feel like such a loser sometimes. an outta control, commitment phobic, escapist, lonely, depressed, hopeless, uncared for organism whose existance no one cares about.
and now that i think a little deeper....its my personal devils that bother me. i feel like a junkie...a lying and decieving body who would do anything and everything to get her fix. and once she gets her fix...she just wants to float around in the numbing mental state. when the effect subsides....she looks around for some new way to get the fix. this is EXACTLY how i feel about myself. i look for distractions in life....work, study, friends, phone calls, eating out, internet surfing, music, movies.....and when these things near their end.....i'm like the junkie....looking for a new way to get my high! pathetic! i feel pathetic! period!
there are times i just wanna say WTF and leave all this....go to some uninhabited island somewhere and live on fruit, fish and coconut. do a little farming, a little fishing....have a dog for a best friend, have a few goats, loads of books...and live a simple life. chopping wood for fire, learning how to make fire, learning how to grow different crops, learn how to cook simple stuff etc. (yeah, i would love to have a laptop, an internet connection and a cell phone.....but thats pushing it too much! i think i made a just subtle point i need to think about on a psychological level!)
BUT....BUT BUT BUT....there are even more times that i want to finish off with my education and live the life of a hard working professional. i know that i want this more than my "robinson crusoe" desire. but no matter how hard i study today....it doesnt accelerate time. no matter what i do....i will graduate when i am supposed to. i tell ya....the day i graduate and get my dream job....i'll be a reverse junkie. i'll have to look for things that keep me away from work. i can say this with conviction coz i see the way i get all obsessed when i have to work on a project. and yes, i enjoy that feeling more than anything else.i feel that the object of ones affection (which i shall talk in detail in later blogs) can either be a person, a thing, a habit or a profession....it can be anything one feels passionately about! i dont need no man in my life to make me feel complete (the fact that it DOES make me feel complete is a different story)....but i need challenges, i need work, i need stuff to do....

coping with regrets!

I have very few regrets in my life. But somehow, I am thankful for these regrets coz I’m pretty pleased to be where I am today. I think that the more regrets one has, the more one starts to believe that life could be better. Maybe that’s true. Coz after all, isn’t it a sequence of events that brings us to where we are today? And if one of those links is replaced by a different link…its linkage compatibility with the following links changes the entire structure of the chain. That’s why I put down the “Random Thoughts” post a few days back. If we make one incorrect choice/decision do we run the risk of altering our future life in a bad way? And I am talking about important decisions…not stupid ones like choosing a quarter pounder over a big mac! Which reminds me (lemme drift off for a bit!)…when I went out shopping as a kid…I would almost always narrow my selection down to 2 pairs of jeans or 2 pairs of shoes or 2 books I wanted to read or 2 items of food. I used to hope that I would get lucky and my folks would end up buying both for me. But that rarely happened. And when I did end up buying one of the articles, I would spend day after day thinking about how the other one would have been much better! I guess that’s human tendency…at least its what I tended to do. But the question remains…what about regrets. Should we let them affect us? I mean, after all “learning from a mistake” is also a form of regret! It’s easy to tell someone to leave the past behind…but I am being more human…and accepting the fact that it’s not that easy. In time, yes, one moves on…but what about the time span between the event and the “in time” time? My biggest regrets in life have more to do with the way I treated people as opposed to making a wrong decision. And ironically, it’s this category of regrets that just doesn’t stop chasing you…unless you break contact with the concerned people all together! But escapism rarely helps…except when you have been jailed!
So, what is the right way to deal with a regret? I’m looking for something other than “learn from it and avoid doing such a thing in the future!”. What is the answer?? Think…ummm…My point of view (remember, this is MY blog!) is that you should keep the regret very close to you. When I do so, it keeps me humble, aware, kind, perceptive….human! A regret should be filed under the experience category. And one should keep ample room for regrets….one should look forward to doing something regretful (but not go around actually doing something wrong!)…so that when it comes, she/he is not in denial. We make mistakes! Period! We make wrong decisions!! You can’t sue anyone for doing something/not doing something as long as it is in the realm of legitimacy. So, one should make use of the freedom of choice knowing that the odds of it working out to the odds of it not working out are 1:1. Consequences are not in our hands! But if something feels right (to the head, not the heart!)…I’ll do it! And if you disagree you can go ahead and BITE ME!!!

specs, shanghai, studies and solaris

i lost my last pair of specs today! i didnt really lose em...just misplaced em. i know where they are but i know that when i get there they wont be there. the only difference losing specs makes to me is that i feel less brainy when i look at myself in the mirror! maybe i can draw 2 ovals connected by a line on the eye level of all the mirrors in my apartment! anyway, i updated my long term to do list. i wanna go to Shanghai sometime. if i end up being what i wanna be....then one day not far from today...i'll be invited to an electrical engineer's convention in china....an all expense paid trip! i've always been in love with the far east! i must have been an oriental in my last life.
and until then i just gotta study hard and graduate with a good GPA. i submitted my project report 10 minutes before deadline yesterday. i would like to take a swing at the idiots who created solaris though! the files i saved on the sparc's in the university lab had some major protocol errors when i tried to remotely access the unix server from home. isnt it redundant to have so many operating systems which all basically do the same thing? isnt engineering about inventing new stuff which is compatible with the old stuff?? seriously, thanks but no thanks! convenience is one thing....but the last thing i need when i am just a few inches from the edge is a 'file not recognized' display message! oh well....all's well that ends well. (well...not really....but retrospect is a strong arguement!)
there are some important thoughts i want to sort that out.....but they can wait till i have i my dinner! so here are the famous last words.....i'll be back!

2:59

2 hours 59 minutes and counting! project submissions accepted only till 11:59:59. yeaargh!! what the hell am i doin here then?????

just thinkin....

i've been thinkin......oh yeah????? you think thats funny?? hmmmph! well i'm in a good mood so i shall forgive all mortals their mistakes today....JUST TODAY...not tomorrow...dont expect too much! and for the record....today ends at sharp 11am tomorrow (coz thats when i give miss dorky lab partner a piece of my mind!) so yeah, i'm in a good mood! its funny that i am in a good mood at 230 in the mornin though! but my screwed up timings dont seem to wanna be corrected! well....my lab is almost done and miss dork is showing some initiative! i wonder whether thats outta panic or curiosity...i mean....we have only about 20 hours for the submission! i dont have much to write today....just some fleeting thoughts on my mind. like how happy i am! aaaaarghh.....writing about happiness sucks! i guess its coz when we pen down what we're happy about....it generally looks as though its not all that we're making it out to be! its already glazed and peppy....and writing just makes it too logical. WTF.....i'm just gonna turn up the Aerosmith God's real loud and give in..........

blah blah blah!

i need a breather! after spending my hours from morning to night at the lab for the past 2 days i'm tired! specially coz i have been teamed up with a dork who's not happy doing any work whatsoever! and tomorrow is gonna be hell as well....coz thats when the submission is due. seems like i'll be able to take a break only when its past 11:59:59pm. i think its time for me to delegate....enough is enough....but if my stooopit lab partner DOESNT perform....i'm the one who gets screwed! oh shucks!!!!! oh someone PLEASE remind me about karma before i explode!!! but you know what.....when i look at the hard work i've put in the past couple of days...i see that i'm decently good at handling a design tool i didnt even use until yesterday and that too on an operating system i never used before yesterday. so, i DO feel a sense of achievement. i think i earned myself some brownie points!! and moreover, if i wanna do well professionally and not just get a degree....thorough knowledge and fluency are vital! i guess there are times in life when you just gotta suck it up and say..."what the hell!!!"i know that the projects shall get harder as time progresses but i'd much rather look at this from a "thats a good start!!" point of view as opposed to "this is just the beginning!!" point of view. okay, time out! enough about school already! i just realized i havent blogged for 2 days...man! thats a first innit? but i'm sure other blog-less days will soon follow to give these days company! thats how it happens right? we get used to stuff....the shine fades....we grow accustomed to things and take them for granted! in my case....this happens in everything except my jeans and tee's! the more they tear and fade...the closer they get to my heart! well.....gotta split now.....work to do....food to cook....dishes to wash....books to study...phone calls to make/return.....and such little time! whatta pity!!

Calling in life

At any point of time (and space), any individual in the world has someplace to be and something to do. The activity can be anywhere within the spectrum of staring idly into space or getting some serious work done (whatever your definition of ‘serious work’ is…yes, playing video games too!). But has ‘what we do’ got anything to do with our ‘calling in life’? How often is our occupation a means to accomplish what we really want from life? What do we really desire from life anyway? I consider myself fortunate to know the one word answer to that question. Not many people I know can do that. But I have my reasons for believing what I believe in. Education, upbringing, background, experiences, circle of friends and a zillion other input factors make me what I am in the present day. And my expectations from myself (not life) are a direct consequence of the contribution of those parameters. Without sounding too geekish, I’ll take a step forward and elucidate that piece of information:

Calling in life = c (a,b,c,d,e………¥)

Note: The number of the elements of the set is arbitrary and depends on the priorities and effective factors in the life of the person involved. {Contact me if you want the exact equation of your calling in life. And oh yes, like a great man once said…or was it a great lady….anyway, “there is nothing in this world called a free lunch.”}
So coming back to the topic of ‘calling in life’. I believe that what one believes one is destined to do should not impede what one has to do to live a good life. I, for one, harbor a secret ambition of doing something in life. But I know that what I want to do is not an end in itself. I have taken notice of people say that the only thing they want from life is love. Okay, assuming they get love. Then what? Is love gonna provide them with bare necessities like food, water, shelter and clothing? Yes, if you get married to a billionaire…but then would love still be the valid reason? And if they’re not even lucky enough to find a millionaire, then wouldn’t the need for the basic necessities override the need for love? So, by exemplifying I’m basically attempting to emphasize my theory that our calling in life isn’t necessarily an end in itself. It can also be a means to getting other things in life…it can also, however, be a means to take you right down the path of obliteration.

turning someone down??

oh yeah!! how on earth could i not have blogged about this! you know....i've experimented with (and followed) a zillion methods of turning people down....and i have come to a conclusion....there is NO right way of turning down a person....or alteast....i havent found one yet! there have been times when i have turned down someone sweetly and they just kept coming back like spare change! and the times i was stern....they ended up mouthing cliche's like "i'm too good for you anyway" or "you'll live to regret not giving us a chance" or other stuff like that. and then.....and then there was this one guy who just went ballistic on me!!! he stalked me for a few days as well...harassing me with a zillion phone calls a day!! sheesh!! and the final showdown was when he called me a "player" and ended up leaving town all together. come awn!!! i often wonder what i would have done if someone turned me down. well...i guess i would just walk away! thats it! no strings attached! but anyway, coming back to the topic....such crazy experiences have made me a little bottled up as far as getting to know people more deeply is concerned. if i get a whiff that the person is interested me....you can spot me as the person running in the opposite direction! once bitten twice shy...thats how it goes....but i have been bitten quite a few times. so, is it really my fault if people say i am commitment phobic? well....yeah....i guess it is my fault...i can handle things better....but the fact of the matter is that i dont know HOW!!! mind you....i'm talking only in terms of other people. my boyfriend seems to be pretty happy in our relationship so that kinda liberates me on some mental level.
i fear getting close to guys now. apart from my few good college friends....who are 'just' friends i steer clear of all people who give me 'interest' vibes! of course, this has its own downsides but atleast it puts me at peace with myself.
i often wonder....do i mislead people....is that why they get interested in me in a way other than just friendship? or is this just the way things happen. they say that we cant chose who we fall in love with....so probably i'm just basically a very lovable person! LOL....and on that gem of a note....i shall sign off today!!!

to do list!

i have a few things on my mind today...dont know where to start....bullets would pro'lly help me sort out the cluster of thoughts in my head...after which i can hope to sleep knowing that i have now identified the demons in my head!

• hmmm....not a very fancy bullet there....oh well....i dont make any pretentions about being a web guru so i think i can life with this sad excuse for a bullet!
• so, i have been thinking a lot about my career. about what the next logical step i should take. i am kinda thinking about training with a company for a few months. of course, that will delay my graduation...but it would be good in the long run. but the procedure is SO darn frustrating! its like looking around and finding the toughest wall, walking back a mile....and then running full force ahead to see if you end up breaking your skull OR the tough hides of these HR people. tough! as i've probably mentioned earlier....my single brain cell is very precious to me....more precious than my life. single celled organisms like me cant afford to take any risk. i could probably try and see how things go....which i will....but i dont like to do any fruitless activity. i mean i DO....i like being good to people once in a while but...........why is there always a but? if its not a 'but' its a 'butt'. and the 'butt' generally personifies itself into someone who almost always gets in your way.
• this just came to my mind....i think i use way too many '.......' and '( blah blah blah!)' and 'should's' and 'probably's'......
• love......*sigh*......i dont wanna say anymore!
• i should start eating healthier and working out....waitaminute....thats my new year resolution....so i guess i have a few months to go! aaaaah! procrastination is like a second religion to me! SEE.....IT DOES HELP TO LIST DOWN PROBLEMS. THANK YOU MR.HOLMES FOR THE PROCESS OF ELIMINATION....THOUGH MINE IS A GROSSLY MUTATED FORM OF YOURS! BUT WHAT THE HECK....POTATO, POTATO!
• i gotta get my sleep pattern back on track! for hell's sake....its past 3!! and this has been the case for...i dunno....eternity (backwards!)

this is boring.....i'm sleepy.....WELL WELL WELL....one problem solved yet again!! am i great or am i great....acually, youre wrong....i am great....an ingrate!

what is love?

why why why? why am i continually falling in love and never outta it? why am i always concurrently in love with 'N' people at the same time? its probably coz i dont know the meaning of love (or fidelity??). i am not the kinda girl to roam about with my heart on my sleeve but it just happens that i meet such special people....
right now my heart belongs to this one guy who seems to care SO much for my needs....he brought me dinner when i was sick. then there's this one guy i work with....*sigh* our conversations are amazing! and then there's this stuck up ass! he's probably the most conceited person i know....but yeah, he gives me butterflies in my stomach and sleepless nights! man! i must be a bad person....coz then comes my boyfriend. dont i sound like a terrible person? is it natural to be smitten with so many people at the same time? but mind you...i'm not having relationships (read flings) all over the place. my loyalties are intact. but everyone compliments my life in such different ways...i cant help thinking 'what if....'.
i wonder when i will meet the person i am meant to be with the rest of my life. i want to be in a beautiful relationship. one filled with love and laughter....i am a person who needs a lot of love. but yes, i also need my space and time....which is why i generally run away from people who intrude in on my space.
i dont know what love is. actually, i kinda do. the one true relationship i had in my life left me bitter. i could never get him outta my system. but like all the other guys....he was totally wrong for me.
i think i should stop listening to the songs i generally listen to....honestly, i get really flowery and happy thoughts when i listen to them. and then i am left with a feeling of loneliness and sadness. what should i do? shall i continue to be in love in spurts of the moment? i guess so....coz that way atleast i can feel beautiful and hopeful....and who knows....maybe one day my heart leads me to the path that takes me to my knight in shining armour! (i wont say prince charming....i prefer knights!!)
*sigh*.....

i'm falling sick!!! ugh!

its a cold and cloudy day today...for me atleast! hours of working like a dog, studying till wee hours in the morning, attending classes and doing everything else that one does to sustain oneself seem to have got to me. i think i'm falling sick....what else can explain the headache, sluggishness, lethargy, loss of concentration and the listless look on my face. aargh! i hate falling sick! but what i hate the most right now is the fact that i cant sleep well at night. i'm not too fond of sleeping during class or in the library....but unfortunately the sleep attacks hit me only when i am supposed to pay attention. and i am messing up at work too. i mean, just coz grilled chicken sandwiches and grilled cheese sandwiches are listed next to each other....that doesnt justify my giving a vegetarian customer a grilled chicken sandwich, does it?? (okay, she wasnt a vegetarian....i just felt like exaggerating!)
so its well past 8pm and i just woke up after a 4 hour nap.....i SO wanna be able to sleep tonight....booo hoooo! :-((
i have decided to bring about some changes in my life. i'll talk about them in detail when i blog next. right now, i wanna have a nice, grilled chicken sandwich!! hehahahaha!

matchbox 20 "bent"

If I fall along the way
pick me up and dust me off
and if I get too tired to make it
be my breath so I can walk.
If I need some other love
give me more than I can stand
and when my smile gets old and faded
wait around I'll smile again.
shouldn't be so complicated
just hold me and then
just hold me again

can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
get put back together
you're breaking me in
and this is how we will end
with you and me bent.

If I couldn't sleep could you sleep
could you paint me better off
could you sympathize with my needs
I know you think I need a lot
I started out clean but I'm jaded
just phoning it in
just breaking the skin
start bending me
It's never enoughI feel all your pieces
start bending me
Keep bending me until I'm completely broken in
shouldn't be so complicated
just touch me and then
just touch me again.

random thoughts!

okay....today is one of those days (yeah, its a monday too!)....but i am kinda sad today. its never been the case with me when one single thing has brought me down. its always an avalanche of award winning evil events which conspire and come at me from all angles and take me down. yep, today is one of those days. one of those days when i realize how outta control my life is and how i am gravitating towards something that will surely be the start of my end. i find it ridiculous that everyone on the outside perceives me as a very stable person. but i have my secrets....i have closets which are overflowing with skeletons. and i often wonder....does everyone have a dark side? or are all the miss goody two shoes ACTUALLY miss goody two shoes? its not like i am trying to justify my actions (or inactions) by saying that "everyone is doing it so why cant i?". but yes, if i were to be pragmatic...then yes....i shall definitely be less guilt ridden if i was to feel that it was normal to screw up sometimes. its but natural.
life is a great teacher....unfortunately it kills you! most of the time, we realize the seriousness of our wrong acts by facing the consequences. so, in a way....that kinda makes me think that the only way to learn in life is by learning by mistakes. yes, they say we should learn from other mistakes as well....but first hand experience has a way of teaching you a lesson so you will never forget. after all....mistakes are what made me learn things like.....that i cannot catch a flame or heat (but that i can catch a cold if i go out without a jacket!).....that just reading the summary of a chapter one hour before the exam wont even get me a C.....that high school sweethearts almost always break hearts.....that i should never mess with someone bigger in size than me....and SO many other things.
but talking about more serious issues......is the risk of making a mistake worth it? what if that one risk just gives way and you find yourself falling into a dark abyss? what if that one mistake makes you lose the trust of everyone who means anything to you? what if that one mistake scars you for life?
its confusing. i wish i had an answer. i wish someone would tell me that things will be okay (even if they wont!). i wish someone would give me the courage to face upto my secrets and chase the darkness away. but then again....if that were to happen.....would i be the person who i am? i would most definitely NOT wanna be a shallow person....after all.....we are what our experiences have made us.
so i guess the idea is to be happy with what you have....and what you dont have. to accept the good and the bad....and above all....to accept yourself the way you are. and if you are truly convinced of something....be flexible enough to change that aspect about yourself. after all, change is the only permanent thing in life!
so, cheers.....to the person i am....and to the person i was.....and to the person i will be.
*clink*
6 more minutes to go before tuesday comes up! cheers to that as well!
peace!

slated to a generalization??

i just took this really cool personality quiz on the bbc website....the results? well, i learnt that i am a strategist....the keywords being spontaneous, teeming with ideas, thinking with my head and being an introvert! and the most remarkable thing was that they ended it by saying that "strategists are most likely to be unhappy with their jobs!". that just does it doesnt it....they scarred me for life. i remember i took this one quiz which asked me a question "have you ever contemplated suicide". in a jiffy i punched down a big NO but i couldnt help thinking....what would my answer be the NEXT time i was asked such a question. in a way i DID contemplate suicide...even though it was just the thought of having thought of it! anyway, some more things that the quiz had bang on target was that i think of myself as bright, logical, intellectually curious, quiet, individualistic, logical, objective and that i am kinda slack where it comes to things like shopping, taking out the trash and paying bills. well, thank you mr.bbc quiz guy...for making me feel good about myself and insulting me by generalizing me into a stereotype! i know i know...we all bear resemblence to one stereotype or the other....and we end up being slotted with the ones we're closest to.....but that in no way means that one stereotype can define us completely! am i making sense? i know i am....so quit shaking your head! my career....well....bbc says that i should be in a technical or scientific field....*applause*....i am. bingo bingo bingo! and the last thing it mentioned was that i am "insensitive to the emotional needs of others". ummmm.....yeah, but i could give you a zillion examples of how someone was insensitive to my emotional needs....i didnt just yell at them in the face going "you know what....youre a freaking strategist!!!".
and then one sentence mellowed me down...."It's important to remember that no survey can predict personality type with 100 percent accuracy. Experts say that we should use personality type to better understand ourselves and others, but shouldn't feel restricted by our results."
so here i am again.....right before when i took the quiz.....and i am bored....what do i do now? perhaps i'll search for a 100% accuracy quiz and then go to war with the makers of that quiz.....or i'll just take a cold shower.........

damn!! there are times i hate my freakin life!! i tell ya, i should be crowned multi tasking queen seeing the way i juggle work, grad school, my stupid boyfriend and the other zillion aspects of my life (which influence my life ONLY when i dont pay much attention to them!!) but where is the appreciation in this self centered world??? yeah yeah, i know, i dont need any credit for doing my own stuff.....but DUDE!!!! come awwwn!!! thats why i love my blog....it always listens to me....unconditionally! unlike my boyfriend...who HAS to talk on the cell phone while he's in a crammed elevator so all i hear is the intermittent chatter of some women, a crying baby and the 'dings' as the floors pass by! and when he gets out he is aghast at how little attention i pay to what he says! SHEEEEEEESH!!!!! sweetie....i love you....but quit being a pain in my ass!!!
then there is my dear international student friend....who has no qualms about stating loudly that she hates america!! i remember this one saying " tell me who your friends are and i shall tell you who you are" OR the other one which says "birds of a feather flock together". dear international-student-friend....when 2 international students hang out together and one nags on and on and on about how much she hates something.....people who see us together assume that i have similar thoughts! and since YOU'RE kinda dumb....i'm the focus of their wrath!! SO LAY OFF IT!!!aaargh!
then there is this jerk of a professor.....do i hate him or do i hate him? assignments, tests, quizzes, exams, deadlines....he is such a sadist (read Marquis de Sade) that i think he enjoys the look on my face when he utters the forbidden words!! my streak of vengeance tells me that i should tell my most talkative blond social butterfly girfriend that i saw a pink bra through his shirt!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! true power is knowing that you can but you dont!! MWAHAHAHAHA!! hmmmm......that felt good!!g'nite!!

To vent or not to vent

That is the question. At least the one that’s in the spotlight in this blog account. For the people who wish to look a little under the surface of this seemingly circumstantial entry…yes, this probably could be a justification for my starting out this blog. I battled with the ‘To Vent of not to Vent’ dilemma for a while before I ultimately started the blog. Then there were also the visits from the “why’s, where’s, how’s” and other extended members of the interrogative family. But that is all immaterial (though a relevant example**) to what is in question.
How important is the expression of negative feelings? Is its consequence on oneself and the people involved extremely overrated or poorly underrated? Deficiency of space and time restricts me to broadly categorize the so-called negative sentiments as: Anger, Irritation, Jealousy, Guilt, Restlessness. I could be missing out on a whole lot of them here (either coz of my single brain cell’s shameful multitasking ability OR coz they’re a whole lot of intermediate derivative degrees involved). So, does expressing negative sentiment make a statement about a person’s basic nature? I feel that the answer to that question (more often than not), quite sadly, is in the affirmative. The very reason we say DON’T JUDGE a person is simply coz we have an inherent tendency to do so. Not voicing something that we sense doesn’t mean that we don’t experience it. Just like words are empty without a passion to back them up, silence is meaningless when a powerful resentment is being sensed. But should we let a counter reaction prevent us from reacting?
To Vent or not to Vent? We all need to make that decision considering the gravity of the situation and the equation with the people involved. We make that decision almost every single day.

P.S. I do not maintain this blog to (a) Convince people in anyway…I know people are intelligent enough to know what to (or what not to) believe in and that I do not have the power to change anyone’s mindset. (b) To make my thoughts known to people. I think people know me as what I am and this blog is by no means a way to supplement my equations with people or my individuality. The reason why I am maintaining this blog is ONLY for recreational purposes.

**Coming soon!

day 1, blog 1

so this is it...the invention of a means to get my uninterrupted self through to those who are interested, those who are curious, those who are here by sheer mistake AND to those few other beings of my kind. this is also for ME....so that i can evaluate and understand my genius in a more organized and objective fashion. no entertainment, no nonsense....only a direct connection between my mind and the abyss of vision.
at some level a blog probably becomes SO close to a person that it manifests into a kinda mad alter personality.....one thats totally uninhabited and has no social or emotinal shackles holding it back......that my friends is the uncensored being in us. and when its unleashed.....apocalypse dawns!!!
AND IT BEGINS NOW...